Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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