Michael Bay diarrhea
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
