you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
