3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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