i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm just crazy horny about you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
