As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
