That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
