I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
