I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
