i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
