....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
