New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
