i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize