very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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