hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
