She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
