Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
