sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
