on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize