hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize