I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
