I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
