I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
