Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
