I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Farmville is her only friend.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I had to cum in my sink.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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