He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
