Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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