I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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