We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize