woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
