yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
