I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
