WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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