Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
