Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
