I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
