I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
