Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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