Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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