he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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