I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
