the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Fuck appropriateness.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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