The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
