I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
