You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Im part way to drunk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
