is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
