That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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