a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize