after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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