I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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