I cut my penus on the lid.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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