I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize