Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
