At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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