Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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