what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My penis needs a shock collar
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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