Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
